Trying Something New

Today I stepped out of my box and I went to have a little fun. I went to play ball with a friend of mine. I dare not reveal his name for it isn't important but I will say that he has inspired me to try something new but old to me. I haven't touched a basketball in about five or six years and he managed to get me out there for an hour. It makes me wonder why did i ever stop. Its weird that I can play all day long (on a good day no sun LOL) but I can't watch it.

I think it is time to do it on my own and stop waiting on someone to hold my hand. I like the cool weather and its approaching soon. So I need to lace up my shoes and have some fun.

The Drama

Its been a long time since I've reported to my wonderful weight loss goal. I have always said that you should not let anything come in the way of your goals. Well i have a confession to make, I have. My mother has made a deep impact on how i see things and what goes on in my life. It gets to the point to where i want to fall into the darkness and never come out. I dislike my mother to the borderline of hate. You should never ever ever have to feel that way about your mother. She is the fakes most conniving most snakish women i have ever been around. She nit picks at everything and her main focus is to control everyone life and make it just as miserable as hers. Could it be me or something else. What should I do should I just disappear and tell no one. Me going off into sleep does not work anymore. I am constantly being awaken for nonsense that only makes since in my mothers world. It hurts to the point to where i want to cry because if I were pregnant now with all the stress that i have it could a baby.

I don't eat .. i don't really sleep .. i don't see how my father deals with it ... when i find my save haven i will go but until then welcome to my HELL

Feeling Good

When you have a support system you have the strength to do anything. I started out by myself and things have turned around very well. In the morning I drink a Naked (they can be found at Ingles or Kroger in the produce section) and instead of a fried egg and sausage I have oatmeal and a yogurt.
I go for a walk everyday with my mother and I it feels great . Weigh In is tomorrow and we check in on my progress.

Negative Energy

UGH ... Must this day get any more frustrating? When you are around negative people that say horrible things about you do you eat your sorrows away? Sometimes I'm that type of person and I all i would eat is chocolate and ice cream. Instead of that try grabbing a fruit, it helps a lot.

I am always getting something negative from my mother and she upsets me to where all i wanna do is eat but I've been eating oranges and apples. It makes me feel better and its healthy for you. I have also found ways to incorporate exercise i walk up and down the stairs and play with my daughter.

An example of negative energy. I was running water to give my daughter a bath and my mother walks out of nowhere and is like "why are you standing there like you are expecting" Of course everyone laughed at me and that made me feel bad just a little. I just ignored it and went into my room like it was nothing and I haven't spoken to her since.

All I'm trying to say is just ignore negative people because all they will do its make you dislike yourself and that is not what you need. Also if u just get a craving to have a late night snack drink some water or juice and eat a piece of fruit it helps a lot.

Silence When I Step into a Room

How uncomfortable does it make you feel when you walk into a room and and you know someone is talking about you. You may not care. You might feel like they don't know you so it doesn't matter ... right? What if it is your parents ... how do you deal with that?

I walked onto church today, where woman have to wear a skirt or a dress, wearing pants and a nice shirt. When I looked up my mom was pointing out my flaws to my dad laughing. I felt so uncomfortable.

No one should expect that in their immediate family, if anything there should be support. That's never the case with my parents.

I am beautiful inside and out and some might confuse that with being conceded but its considered to be confident. My change and goals are for me and only me not because my weight disgust my mother.

I will always have silence when I enter a room but it will be good not bad

Rock & A Hard Place

Have you ever felt like you were stuck between a rock and a hard place, literally? To me that rock is my weight and that hard place is my family. I have struggled with my weight for a very long time. I have also been constantly picked on by some of my family. I have always felt out of place. My parents were in the military and they are what I would consider "health nuts", my sister is scared of being a plus size model, and my brother ... he is just a growing teen lol. Having hips and a busty chest is a blessing to me and I don't wanna change but there is a difference between being plus size and healthy then being plus size and sloppy & I feel like I"m crossing that line.

Today I am stepping up and starting a new path. I'm not saying i will have my High School basketball playing body back but I would like to be healthy so I may chase and play with my daughter or walk up a flight of stairs without being winded.

As of right now I am 5'8 311lbs with a BMI over 40 and this change is for myself because I want this. If Queen Latifah, Opera, and Monique can do it, why can't I?

-NJ